How to deal with family pressure to get married

We all know the pressure of marriage begins sometime in your mid-twenties and peaks in your 30s. From your family, relatives to your friends and even random associations, no one leaves an opportunity to tell you that now is the right time to get married. We know the peer pressure of getting married is real.

In a society like ours, it is normal to hear people tell you when to get married or how to handle relationships. While some are fine with all the constant nagging, it can get intolerable for others. Your family and friends constantly asking you when you are getting married can lead to a lot of anxiety. So, if you think that the peer pressure is getting too much to handle, then you’ve landed on the right page.

1- Firstly, ask yourself if you want to get married right now or pursue a career, or looking for financial stability, or want to study. Once you know what you want, then it might help you get an idea about what you want to do, instead of feeling the pressure. As long as you know what you want, what other people think will seem far less important.

2- Whatever you decide, stick to your decision and be confident about it. Changing your mind under pressure will take you nowhere, but strong willpower will.

3- Communicate how you feel with your friends and family, but don’t get too defensive in the process. Keep calm and tell them you apricate their concern, but you want to focus on your career or whatever it is you choose.

4- Don’t avoid your family and friends just because you are afraid that someone will ask you questions about marriage. Avoiding them won’t help solve the issue, but communicating your concern will.

5- Don’t rush into marriage because you can’t take any more of the pressure. Sit down and think what you want from life as marriage is a commitment to someone you love for the rest of your life.

ALSO READ: Getting hitched during the pandemic? These tips from a wedding planner are sure to make the events special

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For many Asians, marriage is the endgame your parents want for you. Even if you’ve earned your PhD or got picked for that coveted management role, your parents regularly remind you that getting married is still on your life to-do list. They mention offhand how nice it is that your cousin of the same age is not just married but already pregnant. They excitedly tell you about their friend with an adult child who is also single with the hopes of matching you up. They bring up the story of how your sister met her husband hoping you’ll catch their drift. And you’re understandably frustrated they view your unmarried life as somehow inferior to that of a married one.

Maybe you have no interest in getting married. Maybe you want to get married eventually, just not on your parents’ timeline. Maybe you’re actively seeking an LTR that will lead to marriage and your parents’ pressure makes you feel inadequate because you’re not in one yet. Regardless, their suggestion that your life is somehow incomplete without marriage is annoying at best and distressing at worst.

As a first-gen Singaporean-Chinese-Canadian, I know what it’s like to get peppered by my ah-ma and parents with not-so-subtle hints I pursue a relationship and get married when I was in university. (But also study hard, earn high grades and not get distracted by dating. Do all the things and do them excellently). Their emphasis on getting married was a 180° turn from high school when dating was strongly discouraged if not forbidden.

Their assumption that I could flip a switch within me to instantly turn on trust, openness, vulnerability, receiving affection, giving affection, asserting my needs, respecting boundaries and handling conflict after having no chance to learn these skills made me frustrated with both them and myself. I also had more pressing matters to attend to - that of my mental, social and spiritual health.

Let’s turn the lens on you

Prioritizing your mental health and developing the emotional skills that would make a healthy relationship possible are wise choices your parents may not understand. You don’t have control over their values and priorities. You do have control over the constructive actions you take when faced with their pressure to “settle down”:

1) Remember you’re not responsible for your parents’ anxiety. If they’re worried about your “biological clock” or that you won’t live a fulfilling life without “the one,” it’s not your job to say or do anything that will make them less anxious.

In collectivist cultures, there’s an expectation you’re not supposed to make others worry (for example, if you’re sick, don’t make people overseas worry by telling them about it). But this way of operating can make you feel responsible for the emotions of others. It’s not your job to live a life that eases your parents’ worry. It’s their job to learn how to self-soothe their worry without resorting to control or guilt, which they may find difficult without acknowledging their own mental health and trauma.

2) Set firm boundaries in your conversation. If they bring up dating and marriage and you don’t want to talk about it, say “I appreciate your concern for me, but I am not interested in talking about this aspect of my personal life with you right now.” If they continue to push despite your request, ask for space and walk away. No need to further engage when they don’t respect your wishes.

3) Acknowledge any anger you have toward your parents for the pressure they put on you. Anger is a vital, self-protective emotion. We often see it come out in damaging ways, which may make us feel ashamed for feeling it, especially toward our caregivers. But anger is a core emotion essential to survival, and you’re not a bad or disloyal person for feeling it.

4) Reflect how you’ve met expectations and sought approval to avoid conflict and secure love. If you’re anything like me, that was your MO throughout childhood. But chasing approval disconnects you from yourself and is a fickle way of being assured of your worth.

5) Celebrate the fact you want to choose nothing less than wholehearted love in your life regardless of whether it is in the form of a marriage. Learning how to give and receive love wholeheartedly without experiencing or exerting coercion, obligation, guilt, or control may take time, maybe even a lifetime. Be patient and compassionate toward yourself along the way and know you are worthy of love and deserve happiness as you’re figuring it out.

There are a multitude of ways to live a fulfilling and meaningful life. Unlike previous generations, you now have the option to support yourself and choose the life that will bring meaning and joy to you. You are your best compass. Marriage may or may not be part of your heading, and that is okay.

If you’re having trouble sensing your self-worth in the face of parental disapproval or processing your complex and conflicting feelings that arise from their expectations, connecting with a therapist can help you learn how your family relational history is impacting your well-being today and how to use your emotions as sources of strength.