What year of marriage is the hardest?

Whether you’ve been married for 30 days or 30 years, even the best marriages can reach the point of no return. It’s not always a gradual “falling out of love,” either. Unexpected circumstances can take you from marital bliss on Monday to an attorney’s office on Friday with little warning. After all, almost 50% of first marriages, 60% of second marriages, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce.

While there are countless divorce studies with conflicting statistics, the data points to two periods during a marriage when divorces are most common: years 1 – 2 and years 5 – 8. Of those two high-risk periods, there are two years in particular that stand out as the most common years for divorce — years 7 and 8.

The factors behind a divorce vary widely during these high-risk years, but the data seems to corroborate the notion of the “seven year itch.” Popularized by the 1955 movie with Marilyn Monroe, the idea is that men and women experience a declining interest in a monogamous relationship after seven years of marriage.

The validity of the seven year itch is certainly up for debate, but it’s an interesting psychological theory backed by real data. The median duration of first marriages that end in divorce is just under 8 years, while the median duration of second marriages that end in divorce is around 7 years.

What years of marriage is divorce the least common?

Interestingly, couples who make it past the seven year itch enjoy a period of roughly seven years with a lower-than-average divorce rate. During years 9 – 15 of marriage, parents often report increased relationship satisfaction as they settle into their careers and their children grow older. The divorce rate begins to decline each year beginning with the 10th anniversary, which could be a result of more practical relationship expectations that come with time and experience.

Unfortunately, this second honeymoon period eventually comes to an end for many couples. The divorce rate levels out around year 15, and remains close to the long-term average going forward.

Factors that commonly lead to divorce

Every divorce case is unique, but the circumstances that lead to divorce and separation have a lot in common. Polls of divorced couples often include the following factors:

Commitment

Many people are surprised to hear that a lack of commitment, not infidelity, is the number one cause of divorce in the United States. This is a general response that envelops several other common factors, but it’s by far the most commonly cited reason for divorce.

Communication problems

Communication is a factor that has a hand in almost every root cause in divorce cases. Whether the ultimate reason is infidelity, financial woes, abuse, or commitment issues, communication problems are likely at the heart of the issue. It’s not always about arguing and fighting, either — the silent treatment can be just as damaging to a marriage. When one partner wants to shout their feelings and the other refuses to engage, both parties wind up blaming the other for their communication problems until the chasm widens beyond repair.

Infidelity

It may not come as a surprise that infidelity is a top-5 reason for divorce, but the unspoken reasons behind why someone cheats on their partner are much more complex than you’d expect. People don’t typically seek out infidelity — rather, the problem usually begins at home with intimacy issues, resentment, inequality, commitment, and poor communication. At a certain point, a friendship at work or in social circles leads to emotional infidelity long before physical infidelity becomes an issue.

Perhaps one of the most unfortunate things about infidelity is that while you can often work your way back from another relationship faux pas, infidelity is an automatic deal-breaker for most people. It’s certainly possible to save a marriage with counseling, improved communication, and lifestyle changes, but these efforts are often unsuccessful when infidelity is the issue.

Finances

Financial difficulties are a close second to infidelity in divorce cases. Couples who live paycheck-to-paycheck and struggle to make ends meet are the most at risk, but even wealthy couples can fall to financial woes when their financial goals and habits don’t line up. Dual-income households with a significant gap in income between spouses can lead to a power struggle, which often pushes a marriage to the breaking point.

The interesting takeaway here is that making more money doesn’t remove financial stress from a marriage. Affluence may alleviate the stress of living paycheck to paycheck, but wealth comes with it’s own money problems.

Inequality

Finding equal ground in a relationship is a challenging, lifelong endeavor. As life circumstances change over time, spouses must constantly reevaluate their place in the relationship, family, and home. When a spouse feels they’re shouldering more responsibility than their partner, or that their partner isn’t giving them the opportunity to pursue their goals and interests, divorce is far more likely.

Abuse

Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse have no place in a healthy relationship. Abusers are often full of excuses for their behavior, but it’s simply inexcusable. You can argue for saving a marriage under many conditions, but this is one of the few factors that actually should lead to a divorce. With few exceptions, it’s safe to say that anyone would be happier and better-off in a healthy relationship where they’re not the victim of physical, emotional, or verbal abuse.

Unrealistic expectations

Most of these factors can lead to a divorce at any stage of a marriage, but this particular factor is primarily responsible for divorces within the first year of marriage. Often coupled with a general lack of preparation for married life, unrealistic expectations can quickly lead to a lack of equality amongst married partners. Unless the expectations are adjusted to a realistic level, it’s extremely difficult to save a marriage when one or both parties have a completely different vision and goals.

Lack of preparedness

As mentioned previously, a lack of preparedness combined with unrealistic expectations are often the bane of young marriages. This is particularly an issue for young married couples, as studies show show that individuals who marry in their teens have abnormally high divorce rates. However, it can also be an issue for individuals who wait too long to marry, as the same studies indicate those who enter a first marriage in the late-thirties are just as likely to divorce as couples who marry in their teens.

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The answer varies from one married couple to another, but most couples would agree it’s one of the hardest years of marriage.

Listen to the first year marriage stories of couples you know, and you will get an idea of the challenges ahead.

After going through Ash’s journal to relive that first year of our marriage, we realized there was a lot we had forgotten about.

Besides the big difficulties and hardest moments life threw at us, there were a few themes that rang through.

We hope our first year experience will inspire and help you in your marriage journey.

You can also read our First Year of Marriage book or listen to our podcast, the First Year Marriage Show, to learn from the first year stories of other great couples.

Hardest moments in our first year of marriage.

Ash

The first thing I think that was kind of a slap in the face was realizing how selfish I was.

Going from me to we, proved to be more difficult than I had imagined.

In part, because I believe we don’t realize how when we are single it’s all about what “I” want, how “I” feel, and who “I” want to be.

When you become married it’s hard to find the balance of still being an independent person, while also being a unit with your spouse; learning interdependence.

I started to purposefully put my spouse first each day, even though I would mess up, I would keep trying.

Picking one thing to work on, one thing to do for your spouse every day, and then adding another as time goes on, was a great way to help me through this time while I learned to not be so selfish.

The second thing that was noticed quickly was our miscommunications. We did not know how to communicate effectively with each other.

We had to realize we both communicate differently, words have different meanings to us, and add on top of that, we were coming from different cultures.

I remember one argument in the beginning where I was having a conversation with someone.

Marcus interrupted and asked me to do something for him, came back in a minute later with another thing for me to do, and I asked him to text me what he needed me to do, and I would do it later.

He said, “Never mind. I’ll just do it myself,” he meant it matter of fact, no attitude, a “oh I see you are busy, this is something I can do so you don’t have to worry about it.”

But, I took this to mean, “never mind! Fine!

You can’t remember one simple thing?

I’ll just do it myself because you are obviously too incompetent!

See the problem?

I assumed he meant this in a hurtful manner, since in my past, this is generally what was sentence meant.

I went to say goodbye to him before I went to work, asked him why he couldn’t just text me the list, and he repeated that he could do it himself.

Which set me off…again.

I slammed the door and went to work. (not my proudest moment)

When I picked him up and drove home I didn’t say a word!

Once we got home he came to me to ask if anything was wrong. He obviously couldn’t read my mind and was genuinely clueless to my assumptions of what he meant earlier.

Then we did what we should have done from the beginning.

We talked about what happened, what was said, what I thought he meant, what he really meant.

From this, we (especially me) learned a couple of valuable lessons.

⇒ That we must ask each other what we meant before flying off the handle and ASSUMING.

⇒ Believe he isn’t trying to hurt me, and has the best intentions for me.

⇒ Understand my spouse can’t read my mind.

⇒ Remind myself that Marcus is not like the people in my past, my family, or anyone else. So to assume he would do what everyone else in my life has done, is unfair on my part.

Needless to say I had a LOT of personal issues to work through!

The other theme that was throughout my journal was the character lessons I had to work on.

For example, patience, thinking before I speak negatively, and not getting angry so quickly. Empathetic listening was a game changer for me.

I failed a LOT!

But I could see major improvement by the end of our first year.

And the foundation we had built for our marriage.

The last thing, that also popped up right in the beginning was my insecurities. It hit me with full force.

Things I didn’t know existed.

These were issues I had to work on while Marcus was supportive and had immense patience with me.

We would have many talks where he would point things out to me, that I couldn’t see about myself or situation I was in.

By allowing his words to be guidance and advice, instead of rejection, I was able to have my world opened.

I grew on a personal level. There were so much hard earned growth and many marriage lessons learned the hard way during that first year.

We continue to grow and learn together, but these first year lessons set the foundation and the tone for our marriage.

This is why we focus on helping newlyweds and couples build a strong a foundation for their marriage.

Marcus

The first year was all “emergency mode” for us, from one thing to another.

Not knowing how we will pay the next bill, what food to eat, whether I will be deported to Ghana or be allowed to stay in the US.

Click here to listen to our First Year story.

I came to the US on a student Visa. I did not maintain my status by staying in school because of financial reasons out of my control, and I got arrested and processed through deportation proceedings.

I never thought I would be arrested or threatened with deportation  (I knew it was possible but the chances of it happening were very unlikely), but this was one of the lemons life through at us.

This happened in the 4th month of our marriage and took about a year to eighteen months for all my paperwork to go through.

Due to not being a US resident or Citizen, I was not allowed to work, meaning we had to depend on Ash’s income.

Which by the way was not a lot, even though she worked 3 different jobs.

It took about a year for me to actually be allowed to work. You can imagine the emotional and mental adjustment we, especially I, had to make in that first year. Plus all the other marriage adjustments newlyweds have to make.

While at home I utilized, this time to research into buying and selling stuff online. Reading personal development books, taking care of our house by cleaning, cooking all our meals, washing dishes, and helping other people.

Sometimes, I felt guilty of making our first year a hard one.

I would think about the what if’s.

What if I maintained my student status, what if I had a job, what if, what if …

Occasionally, we had disagreements, heated arguments, and had to learn how to fight fair.

Some of these arguments were over unimportant things like straightening up shoes, folding clothes, washing dishes in a certain way, etc.

It wasn’t easy living that year

Not knowing what country we would be living in the next year, and whether I would ever be allowed to come back to the US.

We had to stick together during this tough first year, stayed calmed, and talked a lot about our plan B’s just in case I got deported or something worse happened.

I had to learn to share my worries, deal with feeling like less of a man for not being able to provide as much as I would like, and be vulnerable with my wife. She in turn supported me and assured me she was in this with me, no matter what.

All these experiences helped us to improve our communication and work together. Finding ways to compromise, adjust to married life and ultimately survive our first year of marriage.

Best of all, we were able to build a very strong foundation for the marriage we both desired.

Why is the first year of marriage the hardest?

We did.

It was due to the stories we had read and heard about the experiences other married couples had in their first year.

Below are 15 things that can easily make the first year of marriage the hardest for you are:

1. Having unrealistic marriage expectations.

2. Difficulty in adjusting to each other and married life.

3. Not getting along with your in-laws, sometimes friends, and family.

4. The unexpected life events that happen out of the blue eg. job loss, car accident, sickness/illness, unemployment etc.

5. Miscommunication with each other

6. Different marriage, family, and life goals.

7. Not knowing how to fight fair. Constant arguing with each other, and sometimes the ugly fights.

8. Disagreement on how to spend money, what bill to pay first, debts, and managing finances.

9. Difficulty in sharing household responsibilities.

10. Selfishness by either one or both spouses.

11. Drastic changes in sex drive of one spouse, how often you each want to have sex or conflicting fantasy’s/desires.

12. Balancing work and life together as a married couple.

13. Living together under one roof.

14. Personal habits.

15. Unexpected pregnancy.

If you are thinking,”Why is marriage so hard?” or having difficult moments, or struggling in your first year of marriage, visit this page for some tips.

It has a list of all our best posts that will help you navigate your first year of marriage.

And get a copy of our newlywed’s guide to read today.

So what year of marriage is the hardest for married couples?

Most married couples might say the first year was the hardest year in their marriage for different reasons, while other couples will say their first year was the easiest.

Marriage in itself is a lifelong journey, and there is no way anyone can predict what the future will bring.

The first year can certainly be the hardest if newlyweds are not prepared mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually for their marriage.

Our first year could have been worse.

If we had not invested time and money in preparing for our marriage. We highly recommend engaged couples and newlyweds should spend some time and/or money to invest in preparing for their marriage.

It’s truly worth it.

Think about how much time and energy you put into the actual wedding day.

Now compare it to how much time and effort you put into actually preparing for your marriage journey. It’s certainly is a no-brainer.

What’s your comparison like?

Your marriage preparation probably received much less time or was completely ignored, but that should not be the case.

Couples who have a terrible first year without resolving the issues they encountered are likely to get a divorce.

Sometimes, their marriage becomes an unhappy and unhealthy one.

So far, our first year has been the hardest year for our marriage, and we hope it will forever remain the hardest year and there is only good times ahead 🙂

Even though it has been our hardest year, we enjoyed every bit of it because we learned so much and grew together.

The first year can also be the best year for some married couples, and we hope you will be one these couples.

Your turn:

What was the biggest lesson you learned your first year of marriage?

How will you describe your first year in one or two words?

Image courtesy David Castillo Dominici / Freedigitalphotos.net and Sarajuggernaut

P.S. Want to build a strong foundation for your marriage? Read this book today.