How to leave the person you love

“Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” ~Marilyn Monroe

Why does it have to hurt so badly?

You’re so in love, but your relationship has become toxic. It simply can’t continue.

Night after sleepless night, you lie awake replaying the fights in your head.

You can’t understand why your partner won’t change or how they can simply ignore how you feel. You wonder if they ever truly loved you.

You’ve tried everything to save your relationship, but nothing’s worked. You know it’s time to end it, yet the thought of being alone petrifies you.

But still, the pain has become too unbearable. If you don’t end things now, you might completely lose yourself.

Learning to Let Go

Letting go of someone you care about is definitely a difficult thing to do.

I was forced to accept that my relationship with my ex wasn’t meant to be.

The lies and the cheating became too much to handle. And to make matters worse, he was also physically abusive to me.

The blows were so unexpected. I never knew if the next argument would put me in the hospital, or maybe worse, be my last.

I wanted him to stop hurting me. I wanted him to understand that his behavior tore me apart inside.

I wanted him to change.

It didn’t matter how much I loved him. It didn’t matter if I was the best woman or friend in the universe; nothing would have worked.

Was he really worth all of this?

No, he wasn’t. And I knew I needed to get him out of my life.

If you’re stuck in a toxic relationship, know that you can find the strength to get yourself out of it and move on.

Realize That You Deserve Better

Sometimes, loving someone just isn’t enough if you aren’t receiving the same love in return.

It’s like putting work into an old, broken-down car. No matter how much sweat and tears you put into it, it will never be the same again.

The time you waste on the wrong person prevents the right person from coming your way.

How can they come into your life if you already have that space filled?

It took me a long time to realize this.

If you had told me back then that I would have found a man who truly loved and respected me for who I was, I would have never believed you.

I had to let go.

Shortly after as I let go of my abusive relationship, I met my husband. He is the reason I believe in true love today.

I am living proof that you can experience true love if you just believe that something much better is out there for you.

You may not know who they are, or when they will come, but they are waiting on you to let go so that they can come into your life.

Stop Waiting for Your Partner to Change

This is the biggest mistake a person can make when deciding to stay in a relationship in which you’re being mistreated.

You have to accept that the only person you control in this world is yourself.

Unless the other person owns up to their mistakes, and shows the desire to get help, they probably won’t change.

They may promise to change and turn things around for the better.

They may even be genuine about their intentions at that moment.

But more than likely, things will stay the same, especially if they made promises in the past that they didn’t fulfill.

Change has to come from within; it can’t be forced. Only then do things have a chance of working themselves out.

I thought my ex would change for me. I thought that if I tried hard enough to convince him how much he hurt me, he would have no choice but to change. But I was wrong.

Sometimes our judgment is clouded. Sometimes we simply want to see the best in someone. Sometimes we’re just so afraid of being alone.

Regardless of what we tell ourselves, some relationships are just irreparable.

Accept That It Will Hurt

There is no easy way of getting around it.

It’s going to hurt. And it’s going to hurt a lot!

You’re worried about missing the feeling of being desired and wanted, the intimate and close moments you shared.

Instead of being just a part of your life, they have become your entire life. You have forgotten how to live for yourself.

Getting over the initial discomfort of being alone is the hardest part. But once you get past that stage, life becomes a whole lot easier.

The lessons you learn along the way will allow you to grow and become a better person.

The pain will not last forever. Time is your best friend.

When I ended my relationship with my ex, I tried everything I could to distract myself. I figured that if I didn’t think about it, the pain would eventually disappear.

When that didn’t work, I tried to think of ways to mend our relationship rather than end it. I figured that accepting the disappointment in him was easier to handle than being lonely.

That was another failed attempt at avoiding heartache.

At some point, I knew I had to accept that it would never work out, and any route I took to end it wouldn’t be an easy one.

If you work through the pain, instead of trying to avoid it, you limit the chances of your feelings coming back to haunt you later on.

Use Crying As a Cure

The best thing you can do for yourself is to release the pain. Don’t hold it in.

Sometimes, we are expected to be strong when we’re dealing with tough situations.

I’ve found that to be ineffective.

The more I tried to hold in my pain and be strong, the worse I felt, and I eventually stressed myself out.

So what did I do?

I cried.

I cried over and over again, and then I cried some more.

Yup, you heard me right.

I cried like a baby!

I stopped pretending everything was okay. I allowed the tears to keep falling until I felt they couldn’t fall any longer. It lasted a few weeks, but I felt like a new person when it was over.

The tight feeling in my chest was no longer there. I began to think clearer and notice that things weren’t truly as bad as I thought they were.

I started smiling again. I started noticing the sun shining and the beautiful clouds in the sky. I was no longer in that dark place. I felt brand new.

Instead of trying to be strong, crying can help with the healing process.

Take Some Time Off

Sometimes, it seems like the end of the world, even though it’s not.

Your mind attempts to play tricks on you, making you believe that happiness isn’t possible any longer.

But that isn’t true.

Often, the best cure for pain is time.

By resting your heart, mind and soul, you give yourself a chance to heal. This is also the best time to get to know you.

Maybe there’s a hobby that you love or an activity you enjoy doing.

For me, it was baking. Even though it didn’t completely take my mind off of things, it allowed me to spend time alone doing something I really enjoyed.

And I appreciated that.

Eventually, I began focusing more on myself, and less on my situation.

It didn’t work immediately, but over time, it helped a lot.

If you allow it, each day will become a little easier. Time heals.

And even though my relationship didn’t work out as planned, I realized I could still enjoy my life.

Happiness is Within Your Control

Your life isn’t over. Taking back control begins with you.

Everyone needs help at one time or another. You don’t have to go through this alone.

If you’re in a toxic relationship, there are people that can help you. Seeking help from your loved ones, a professional or even a clergy member, can help you get back on your feet.

I am living proof that you can get through this. You can overcome your situation.

Just imagine finally being happy again and enjoying the things that you used to love. No more worrying about the future. You are finally content with the present.

The load has been lifted off of your chest. The tears no longer fall.

You finally realize you deserve better. It may seem unimaginable right now, but it’s definitely possible.

If you make the choice today, you are one step closer to a happier tomorrow.

You can do it. I believe in you. Now it’s time for you to believe in yourself.

Make a declaration that today starts the healing process. From now on, you will work toward living the amazing life you deserve.

**If you believe you are in a dangerous situation, please seek help. Don’t wait. Contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline for help. You can find additional free resources here.

Clinging woman image via Shutterstock

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Even when all the signs to leave a relationship are loud and clear, leaving someone you still love is well... painful. Perhaps that’s why many write and even sing about this unpleasant choice, because they know that “breaking up is hard to do”.

And unlike Neil Sedaka’s 1960’s hit song, Breaking Up Is Hard To Do, you probably won’t be singing “comma, comma, down, dooby doo down down” before, during or after, the actual break up conversation.

So how do you leave someone you still love?

Whether you are trying to let go of a toxic relationship, leave a bad relationship, end an affair with someone you still love, let go of a relationship that’s run its course, or follow your soul that is calling you elsewhere, it's important to know the art of “how to leave someone you still love”.

It can make a big difference for both you and your partner. It will help you feel good when you’ve made the choice to leave someone you love, because you know that you did your personal best. Meaning that you engaged in a thoughtful and introspective process that helped you discover the clarity that your choice is “right for you”, as well as the compassionate skill set you need to communicate your choice to your partner.

And while your choice may disappoint or even devastate your partner, understanding the “art of the how '' to leave someone you love when you know it’s the right thing to do, will help mitigate your partner’s pain and reduce their scars so they can be healed.

So with that said, here are six tips to help you prepare and execute this painful task.

1. First, assess your “why?”. 

Sometimes it’s clear that you may not have much in common with your partner or not have a shared vision of the future.  When this happens, the “why” it’s pretty cut and dry. And more often than not,” it” will feel over for your partner too.  It’s much easier to leave someone you love when this happens to be the case.

Other times, your wish to end things may not be entirely clear to you. Perhaps you are in an unhealthy relationship that leaves you drained and confused as to why you stay? How to get out of an unhealthy relationship can be tricky business.  

Or, perhaps your attraction or desire for your partner faded? If this is the case, then know that this is normal and desire can be rekindled if both people have an honest will to discover how.

Perhaps you have fallen in love with another? 

Or perhaps you may have unrealistic expectations from your partner and place unfair burdens on them for your current state of dissatisfaction?  See if you can get really honest with yourself about this.

Doing your best really does require you to understand what’s internally motivating you to leave, even if you don’t share those reasons with your partner. If your reasons aren’t quite clear to you, check out these articles: Breaking Up?  How To Make The Best Out of The Worst or 40 Common reasons why couples break up.

2. Assess how ready you are to break up with this person. 

Knowing you’re ready to leave your relationship is different from being ready to actually do it. Spend some time working through any ambivalence you may have about breaking up with someone you deeply care about. 

Close your eyes and tune into your heart center. As you imagine having this conversation, notice what happens in your heart and body? Do you feel calm and clear? Or do you feel tense, panicky, sad, shame, guilt or fear?

Do you have a part of you that is so afraid to hurt your partner, that you would rather stick it out than feel the discomfort of breaking up and risk being seen as the “bad guy/gal”? If so, this would be a good reason to go to therapy. 

When this is the case, more often than not,  there is some deeply embedded learned belief that other’s needs are more important than your own.  It can take time to unwind from this kind of belief which is why a seasoned psychotherapist who understands codependency can really be helpful here.

And when people don’t unburden this kind of belief, over time, they often grow resentful and become passive aggressive. Some even act out and end up cheating on their partner and have affairs.

3. Test the waters to assess how your partner may react to your decision to end the relationship

Breaking up with someone, generally speaking, is more than one conversation. What the conversation looks like will vary, depending upon where your partner is at and or how fragile your partner may be.  

If your “why” for wanting to leave this person is because you don’t have much in common or you believe that  the two of you have outgrown each other, then this will most likely be an easier conversation. 

If it has to do with other reasons such as patterns of toxic behavior e.g. abuse or dependency, or if you are having feelings for someone else and want to leave to be with them, then be prepared for a lot of push back. Sharing this truth about why you want to leave may not be best for either of you.

Regardless of your why, you can test the waters by saying things like, “I’ve been feeling a little disconnected from us lately and am not certain about our future. Have you been feeling the same way”?

Or “I’ve been feeling really anxious and conflicted lately. As much as I love you, something just doesn’t feel right for me…”

If you are in a toxic relationship, or your partner is still in love with you, then your “testing the waters” conversation will either cause panic in the other or feel like an assault to your partner’s  sense of self. They may beg you to stay saying “they will do anything” to fix it, or try to shame you for wanting to leave them. If you have children together, then they may even suggest that your leaving them will screw up the kids.  

If children are involved, it really is best to work with a seasoned therapist who can help you strategize around this.

Remember, underneath defensive reactions, is pain. So if you experience any of this resistance this from your partner, try to just listen without getting defensive and then check out tip #4 below.

4. Based on your initial conversation and reaction from your partner, prepare some scripts that speak to their core vulnerabilities over being left.

When a person reacts with anger or panic, chances are that your choice to leave them has poked at a vulnerable “wounded part” of them that predates you.  Their pain is based both on the “here and now” of your desire to leave and the “when and then” of some previous trauma. This “part” probably has some deeply embedded learned belief that they aren’t lovable or desirable and your wish to leave them triggers that belief.

Sometimes there’s even part of them that feels terror at the thought of being left. They may very well have been emotionally abandoned or neglected by a parent when they were a child.  So it’s important to find ways to speak compassionately to those core vulnerable parts of your partner.

You can say things like “my choice to leave has no bearing on how lovable or desirable you are. My heart just doesn’t feel connected anymore and I need to start my next chapter without you”.

Or “ I know this is not what you want and you are scared inside, but please know that you are special to me and a part of me will always love you. I just need to leave.”

Also, be prepared that your partner may choose to not take no for an answer. And they will fight hard to make you stay. They may keep asking over and over why or what can I do to fix things?

Should this happen, it’s important to not get into the why.  Getting into it is their way to try to hook you back in. So It’s best keep it simple and be clear. You can listen to the other’s pain without getting defensive and say “I am so sorry for hurting you, but my mind really is made up”. 

5. When you finally have the break up conversation, if it feels right, consider giving them some kind of small gift, a token to show that they mattered to you.

Therapists call this a “transitional object”.  It’s a way for your partner to hold on to some small piece of you when they aren’t quite ready to let go.

6. After you leave someone you love when you know it’s the right thing to do, maintain good boundaries with either little or no contact.

While maintaining contact may help you feel better, because you are letting your ex know that you still care, it can often send mixed signals to your ex. Your ex will need time to grieve this loss, and too much contact may stymie their grieving process as they will cling to false hope.  

If you find yourself having regrets, consider going to therapy to get to the heart of what’s going on inside of you.  Then you can make an authentic decision regarding whether or not to stay broken up, or get back together and try things again. 

Everything in life ends. And endings are not failures.

They are reorganizations, as people are constantly growing and changing. And every relationship has a season. Some have many seasons. Some even have a lifetime of seasons.  

And given how short and fragile life is, what matters most is the quality of the seasons together rather than the quantity.  

It’s never easy to leave someone you love, even when you know it’s the right thing to do. It takes courage, clarity, confidence and compassion.  And if you take time every day to close your eyes and get really still, you will find all that and more within you. 

And when you do find all of that, you will be able to feel good, about having the courage to choose authentically, and take responsibility for what your heart most wants .

Maura Matarese, M.A., LMHC, R.Y.T. Is a psychotherapist and author practicing in Sudbury, M.A. If you find yourself struggling with the question “ How to leave someone you love when you know it’s the right thing to do?”, check out her book, Finding Hope In The Crisis: A Therapist’s Perspective On Love,Loss, And Courage.  If you feel heartbroken after a breakup, check out her new online course; Finding Hope After Heartbreak: Learn The Secret How To Get Over Your Ex And Start Feeling Better Now,