One of the major reasons we see people unhappy and dissatisfied in their relationships is when they feel their partner is not as good as others. A psychological phenomenon is known as 'self-other overlap' is explained by psychologists as a determining factor for comparison in relationships. Self-other overlap is the degree to which people view themselves and their partner as one unit. People who are low in self-partner overlap have difficulty maintaining positive partner perceptions following threatening comparisons of their partner to others.
By highlighting the benefits of high self-partner overlap, this research may identify a possible future intervention technique. We all aspire to have the best things in our life, make our life perfect, so is the case of relationship. In order to have “the ideal relationship,” we often look for the best in other couples, characteristics in other people and use them as models for our relationship. It is okay to have some aspirations and an idea of how you want things in your romantic relationships, however, we use other people’s characteristics as measures for the success of our relationships it brings us problems.
As it is said, ‘the grass is greener on the other side’ it may appear appealing to see other’s relationship flourishing, other people being better than your partner on certain aspects. However, we can never really know what hardships and challenges other people or the relationship is going through. We look at how well our neighbor treats his wife or how madly in love your best friend’s boyfriend is with her and expect our husbands and partners to treat us the same way, or look at how smart and understand our friends' wife is or look at our grandparents and wish if our relationship could be as loving and long-lasting as theirs. Comparison with others is never a good idea. It affects an individual's self-confidence and sense of self-worth.
Every individual and relationship is unique and deserves to be treated similarly. Although it's good and also important to set expectations, it's also equally important to discuss them and communicate them to the other person as well, so that both the individuals involved are well aware of the limitations of the other person.
This phenomenon can come when the initial phase of exploration is over and the individual is well aware of the characteristics of his or her partner. Overemphasis on these feeling then leads to differences in the couple leading to conflicts which are distressing and harmful for our <mental wellbeing.
It can be a common practice to compare your partner to that of someone else you know and can be particularly true if you are not satisfied with your relationship. Let’s say you selected a good partner and didn’t “settle” on just anyone to commit to, you need to remind yourself of just that. After the honeymoon, or several years of being together, it can be easy to forget what a terrific partner you have and start asking your partner why they can’t be more like “so and so”. While this can be common among couples, giving in to this kind of thinking can damage your relationship and here is why.
- Comparing can betray trust
- Comparing can make you both feel inferior
- It is easy to idealize someone you don’t know
- The novelty of getting to know someone you don’t know is temporary
- Comparisons are not fair or even comprehensive
If you find that you tend to compare your partner to someone else on a regular basis rather than acknowledging the positive and loving traits of your partner, it may be a signal to seek help and in doing so, you may be able to get your relationship to where it needs to be.
We’ve all been there. You’re scrolling Instagram to kill time and someone’s just posted a #gorgeous couples pic. Whether it’s a fun weekend activity (this time of year, I’m looking at you, apple picking), highlights from a past vacation, or a mushy anniversary post, it racked up a ton of likes, and all your friends are commenting “goals” “<3 <3 <3” “*row of heart-eye emojis*”.
If you’re anything like me, you might chime in with those loving comments, since there’s nothing wrong with seeing people happy. But, looking at this display of total bliss might also leave you with a small sinking feeling. If you’re in a relationship, you’ll start to wonder: “Why aren’t we that happy? Why can’t we look so perfect?” I’ve even fallen into this trap with some of my platonic friends.
The problem is, the minute you see those smiling faces, you’re starting to make comparisons. Here are three reasons why you shouldn’t.
1. Like anything else online, you’re only seeing what they want you to see.
I feel like this point has been made – ever since apps like Snapchat and Instagram exploded in popularity in the early 2010s, but it bears repeating here. While you know every minute of ups and downs in your own life, you’re only exposed to the highlight reel of someone else’s on social media. Everyone wants to look happy. No one posts stories of the arguments they had two minutes before or after someone snapped the perfect golden hour photo. No one talks about the days that don’t go as planned. It’s easier than ever to control how our friends and followers perceive us, and easier to pretend that we’re all smiles, even when we aren’t on the same page with our partner.
2. #RelationshipGoals? Or… #RelationshipInsecurities?
If you see happy couples everywhere, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that their day-to-day lives are as great as what they share online. That could make you feel pressure to keep your relationship “happy”, even when it’s not.
Ironically, those efforts to constantly appear perfect could make you even less satisfied with what you have. Small problems could make you think your relationship is broken, even when your issues are really not that serious.
Alternatively, you might feel added pressure to stay in a relationship that is unhealthy and problematic out of fear of disappointing friends, family, and, yes, even your social media followers. Those likes and hearts are insidious little dopamine shots. You don’t want to seem like a failure and lose something that brought you so much approval.
No matter which way you turn, these unhealthy expectations can be paralyzing.
3. You’re doing your own, beautiful thing.
And you (and your partner) deserve to be validated for *that*, not for fitting into someone else’s standards or the ones you see established on social media.
No two relationships will look exactly the same, because they involve different people. Comparing any facet of our lives to what we see of those of others is a fast track to disappointment. It can cause stress and fear that you’re not measuring up or that you’re behind in life when there’s really no one-size-fits-all timeline. And when these anxieties and doubts infiltrate our most important relationships, they can cause a lot of damage.
Social media is great for staying in touch with friends and family, but it can also create unrealistic harmful expectations. To see more about how a rosy online presence can cover up the truth about unhealthy relationships, check out One Love’s Behind the Post videos.