What is a born again virgin

March 16, 2017 5:11pm

Virginity is such a loaded word. It either conjures up magical memories or, for many of us, the absolute horrors. According to Durex, the average age that women have intercourse in Australia is eighteen while 17.4-years-old for the guys. But imagine if you could take your virginity back and give it to the man you were going to marry? Would you?

We're not talking surgical reconstruction of the hymen here. Becoming a born again virgin isn't a physical concept, it's more a conscious decision to abstain from sex until you're married. Essentially, it's free virginity pass, even if you've already done the deed a plenty, or in Kerr's case, had a child.

Kerr, 33, dropped her infamous guard in an interview with The Times in the UK and gave us a glimpse into the innermost workings of her apparent non-sex life with Spiegel, 26, when she admitted the couple don't currently use any contraception because they're not having sex until they're married. "[Spiegel] is very traditional," said Kerr. "We can't…I mean we're just…waiting."

Meanwhile back in 2008, Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon also declared their abstinence. "We both have similar beliefs, and I just thought that it would be so much more special if we waited until after we were married," said Carey at the time. She divorced Cannon in 2014. Plus sized, supermodel Ashley Graham says she’d "sowed her oats" so she decided to wait until after she married her husband, Justin Ervin. When US songstress Ciara, who has a son with the rapper Future, got together with now-husband and Seattle Seahawks Quarterback, Russell Wilson, he proudly told the world they had decided not to have sex before their marriage.

'I'm happier not hooking up'

However, it is not just celebrities that are abstaining from physical intimacy. Jo, a 28-year-old single, retail manager from Melbourne, relates to their desire to wait. She has put the breaks on all sexual relationships until she's found a man whose willing to put a ring on it. In a world of Tinder and casual hookups, she believes chastity is an underrated virtue. "I lost my virginity at 16 to a douche bag, in an indoor sports centre. It was a cold and unemotional experience. He dumped me the next day. I've had one relationship and more than a handful of hookups since. I have always struggled with intimacy. So, after one more disastrous sexual relationship that led nowhere, I decided that I was going to take my time and wait for some form of commitment before I jumped into bed. It's essentially a sex detox to clean the negativity out of my system."

While she admits her friends think it is an old-fashioned notion, Jo is adamant that waiting is the best option. "I'm happier now," she says, despite the fact her newfound liberation from sex scares away prospective partners, "At least I know early on, whether they're interested in me or my body."

Melbourne sex therapist Chantelle Otten is seeing a host of clients, who've taken the same route (no pun intended). "People are taking the decision to reinvent their sexual selves. The reasons are entirely personal - whether it’s religious grounds, negative sexual patterns, sexual burnout from dating, wellness and spiritual journeys, or trying to be mindful about their choices. They want emotional intimacy before going down a sexual path."

Jo believes she'll hold out until her wedding night finally comes. "It's going to be magical because I feel as if my body and mind have been purified," she said, optimistically. That is not to shame anyone who is enjoying crazy casual hookups, or whatever else you may be into. They are just as awesome, if you’re enjoying yourself. That’s the beauty of being a modern day, we get to choose.

Any products featured in this article are selected by our editors, who don’t play favourites. If you buy something, we may get a cut of the sale. Learn more.

During high school sex ed, a self-proclaimed "born-again virgin" lectured my class one day on the value of abstinence until marriage. Having previously slept with seven different women, he became celibate after embracing Christianity to live what he felt was a more meaningful existence. On our final day of the program, he encouraged everyone in class to sign a virginity contract.

'When your wedding night arrives, you'll be so happy you can show this pledge to your spouse and say you've waited your entire life to give them this sheet of paper,' he said. 'Your virginity will be theirs and only theirs forever.'

One of my classmates roared with laughter and called this outrageously cheesy and unrealistic. I agreed, but more than anything else, I couldn't understand why our speaker was so fixated on virginity. Did we really need to save ourselves for marriage to have fulfilling sex lives and relationships? The older I got, the more I found fault with this approach to sexuality, especially since the speaker told the sexually active students that it "wasn't too late" for them to "revirginize" and reclaim their self-respect. That idea that they had done something wrong, to me, was flawed.

The rise of abstinence education and born-again virgins

More people started embracing the concept of born-again virginity in the 1990s and early 2000s with the rise of abstinence education. As noted by Newsweek, the Welfare Reform Act of 1996 sparked the abstinence education movement by promising $50 million every year in Title V abstinence education grants, which were required to be spent on programs that promote "abstinence from sexual activity outside marriage as the expected standard for all school-age children." Data from the Congressional Budget Office shows that abstinence education funding doubled while former President George W. Bush was in office, going from $80 million in 2001 to $200 million in 2007.

Who becomes a born-again virgin?

People often become born-again virgins for religious reasons and to appease their families. Though they have had sex before, they vow to abstain from intercourse until marriage.

"Born-again is a term that has meaning in the context of evangelical Christianity--to be 'born-again' means one has had a conversion experience and has accepted Jesus into one's life," Pamela Dickey Young, a professor of religion and culture and women's studies at Queen's University, told ATTN:.

"'Born-again virgin' is a term that is sometimes coined to talk about reclaiming one's virginity (as a religious good) after one has 'technically' lost it, i.e., after one has had experience of sexual intercourse," Dickey Young said. "Although men sometimes claim born-again virginity, too, it is largely young women who make such claims."

Societal value placed on virginity can often be attributed to Christianity, Dickey Young explains.

"The born-again part is driven by a specific understanding of the Christian faith that values virginity, marriage and commitment to one person for life," Dickey Young said. "Christians have prized virginity since about the 2nd century but different churches have different views of whether that should be updated and how."

Why become a born-again virgin?

When I was in sex ed, I couldn't help wondering why our speaker had to give himself the title of born-again virgin. Couldn't he, and others, for that matter, simply commit to abstinence until marriage without attaching a name to the decision? Voicing one's intention to abstain until marriage, however, keeps people accountable for their own actions, Dickey Young explains.

"A public naming of one's intentions often does create accountability," Dickey Young said.

Not all born-again virgins, however, wish to go into detail about their decision with the world. Two years ago, "The Bachelor" suitor Sean Lowe was surprised when the media and fans collectively fixated on the fact that he was a born-again virgin.

“I’m shocked,” he told the Daily Beast. “I don’t know why every tabloid feels the need to talk about it."

Why women face a lot of pressure to be virgins

In a culture where female purity is glorified, women are labeled "sluts" and "whores" for having too many sexual partners, and men are conversely rewarded for sleeping with lots of different people, females face a lot of pressure surrounding virginity and sex.

Several years ago, MSNBC interviewed then 23-year-old Victoria Watts, who grew up in a religious household and had sex with her high school boyfriend as a teenager. Watts felt so awful about sleeping with him that she ultimately decided to become a born-again virgin to make up for her past decision.

“I felt really bad from a religious standpoint,” she said. “My thoughts were really clouded because I was so emotionally bonded with my boyfriend. That overshadowed my religious world.”

She expressed regret over not being a virgin because that means she won't be able to fully give herself to her future husband. After a lot of prayer, she started calling herself a born-again virgin.

"I know my [future] husband deserves a whole person," she said. “The most important thing was to realize what my values were and what I want in the future and the bigger goals in my life," she says. "That’s why I can call myself a renewed virgin.”

Like Watts, many women take the born-again virgin route out of shame.

"Shame is certainly a factor and a tool that religions use to regulate sexual behavior," Dickey Young told ATTN:. "Where virginity is a value, losing virginity can lead to shame. Reclaiming virginity can allow one to hold one's head up with pride in the community. Those who are not Evangelical Christians would be unlikely to use the term 'born-again virgin.'"

Women in some cultures might try to become born-again virgins for safety reasons, as certain cultures punish premarital sex by death.

"Certainly other cultures and forms of religion have used sanctions (sometimes very dangerous to women) to enforce virginity. The more dangerous the sanction, the less likely a woman would be to admit she has had premarital sex."

Dr. Red Alinsod, a gynecologist, told MSNBC in 2008 that he's had many patients pay thousands of dollars to get a new hymen after losing their virginity. Some of them want to do it for their "honor," but their lives could also depend on it.

“These women are very scared,” Alinsod said. “The majority do fear for their lives. So this is a life-saving procedure in the majority of women I deal with. They are afraid they will be killed by the youngest member of their family, or the youngest member of the groom’s family."