How to stop liking someone who rejected you

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

ejection can hurt like nothing else. When you feel it, it’s like an attack on your whole being. Sometimes in reaction, ironically, you feel more drawn to the person who rejected you. In fact, you may have never wanted them more.

But… you don’t actually want them. You just want something from them.

You want their validation.

You want them to confirm that you’re not disposable. You’re not worthy of rejection. And so, to prove it, you want back the person who implied that you were.

Maybe there are some cases in which you genuinely miss the person or wish you could go back and try again, or something. But mostly, you treated the relationship as you did for a reason. If it didn’t sync up, it probably wasn’t meant to be. No matter what your anxiety, societal pressures, or loneliness may whisper to you in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep.

Break ups are for what’s broken. Only in the rarest of cases do two people get back together and things work themselves into a happy ending. If it feels as though someone rejected you — not even just in relationships; this could also apply to a work situation or friendship — you may feel an urge to prove him or her wrong.

Because if they’re right, your mind reasons, then it means you’re worthy of rejection. And nothing could feel worse.

You’re not worthy of rejection. Here’s why.

One person saying this isn’t for me isn’t a declaration of the entire world saying you’re bad or something’s wrong with you. It’s one person.

Oftentimes, people simply don’t match up. You may have compatible pieces with someone but not a compatible whole. The latter is rare, not common. When you do find it, it’s not something you’re entitled to; it’s a privilege. It’s a great victory.

You won’t vibe with most people that you meet. It’s just a function of each of our unique characters, biases, experiences, and backgrounds. Sometimes, you might think you really mesh with someone, and eventually you just stop meshing. When the feeling is that someone rejected you, usually, if you’re really honest with yourself, you weren’t content in that situation anyway.

You’ve heard of the chase. And how some people — the stigma usually labels them as men— love to pursue a romantic interest. The theory suggests that there’s something about the not knowing if she wants him back that makes him want her more. This idea can work for any gender. And there is truth to it.

How many friends have you known who were crazy about a person only to get into the actual relationship and feel dissatisfied? Sometimes, we don’t want people; we want what them wanting us says about us.

Sometimes, we’re conscious of what the relationships we keep in life say about us. For example, if I’m dating this popular person, that means I’m part of the popular crowd. If I’m with an extrovert, I’ll be seen as less shy. If I’m with a successful doctor, it means I’m the type that a successful doctor wants.

These notions can seem immature or even self-absorbed. But to varying degrees, this analysis exists in every relationship.

Sometimes people will hide or downplay their romantic partnerships. Perhaps they’re not proud of what they think the relationship says about them. They want to be with the person, but may not talk about him or her in front of family or friends. Sometimes, this can be a function of privacy. But usually, when you’re with someone you love, you want to talk about it. You feel proud to be with them and want them to meet the other people in your world. When a person keeps someone on the DL, so to speak, they might be concerned about how the relationship would be perceived by others. They may also worry that the relationship might not align with the identity through which they want to see themselves.

It sounds self-absorbed because it is. Relationships can feel very self-descriptive. Even the most mature people are aware of what a particular relationship suggests about them. You have the choice to decide to enjoy the relationship nonetheless, and there’s also an option to prioritize the need for validation.

There’s a part of us that wants to be with someone who reinforces an identity we want to have. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing. For example, if you’re a hard worker, you may also want to be with a hard worker. You may want to be with a partner who inspires you to be stronger in a certain part of life in which you want to improve. It’s OK to seek someone who compliments your identity, but not someone who you rely upon for it.

The pain and pull of rejection

When someone rejects you, oftentimes the ego steps in and demands they take it back. You don’t want to feel like you are dismissible. You want to feel essential, especially if that someone felt essential to you. The feeling of rejection can break your heart and make you question your worth all at the same time.

When you feel a pull to the person who rejected you, realize what you’re wanting is most likely not that person. It’s reassurance that you’re worthy of acceptance. It’s the apologetic expression of the rejecter that they made a mistake and should never have let you walk out of their lives. It’s bandage for a wound. It’s healing to make you feel whole again.

But they don’t have it. That thing you need. It’s not with them.

I’ll write that again. No one else can ever make you feel worthy. Take a hard look back at the relationship. Did you feel like a whole person during it? Or were the same feelings of insecurity or self-doubt present then, just obscured by another person telling you that they wanted you anyway? When you no longer have that person to tell you those things, those broken pieces and questions you hid come screaming out of the hole they crawled into, and it’s overwhelming.

When you want the person who rejected you, chances are you didn’t feel whole on your own before or during the relationship. When you feel a tug towards someone who decided to let you go, it’s valuable. Because it’s a sign that you deserve to feel whole on your own. You can do the work to get to know yourself, heal where you’re broken, and forgive yourself for any perceived mistakes that you’re still holding onto. In the process, you’ll forgive the person who rejected you. And then you’ll move on. The real kind of move on.

And the best part is, by going into the world as a more whole person, you’ll attract other whole people. Two whole people make something that lasts and reciprocates. When you look back on the person who rejected you, was that person even whole? Maybe he or she needs to do some internal work, too.

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